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When your family’s rules interfere with your healing and your spiritual growth

It’s truly heart-breaking when we realise that the people who nurtured us as babies and helped us grow are against our healing and against our spiritual development. It is a very difficult realisation to face and yet it’s true.


As you grow and as you heal, you will find yourself coming up against long held familial beliefs and rules and you may even feel cornered into responding the way your family expects you to respond, or the way you used to. And the thing is, is that you no longer want to behave or follow these rules as you know they aren’t good for you – they hurt you.

These rules and family patterns force you to remain in the same identity you had to take on as a way to survive within your family system. Now that you are an adult and you are moving into more healthy ways of being, you are seeing the patterns that may have been so debilitating for you as a child.

Like many people over the holidays who returned home to their families, you may have also had a few issues to deal with.  A few friends of mine along with some of my clients had their emotional boundaries invaded, some had to deal with disrespectful behaviour towards them and others were blamed for the ways that they have changed and shifted.

When you are doing your best to stay present and dedicated to your growth but yet the people you most love are so completely emotionally detached from you because they are so shut down emotionally, then the price you are asked to pay for returning to the person you once were is always way too high for you.  A part of you feels betrayed at very deep levels for not being seen or heard for who you truly are as you find your way back to your true core self through your growth process.

This is a violation of a boundary between yourself and others. Instead of responding to your own natural inclinations and your own needs whilst considering the needs of others’, your attention is being re-focused on what others want and need from you and you are made wrong or even worse, blamed for no longer neglecting yourself like you used to in the past.


This is such a painful conundrum to be in because you love and care for your family members. What they are asking of you is abusive to you all over again.

This is your life and you need to feel that you have every right to do what is right for you and in your highest good which automatically gives others the chance to free themselves.

Sometimes the process is messy

There aren’t any straight lines in this process between you making your own choices and everyone else understanding you. Unless your family members are willing to open their hearts towards themselves and towards you and are ready to acknowledge how controlling and perhaps abusive they have been, they won’t understand you. They won’t be ready.


Karl was in a dilemma over the holidays as he visited his family with his wife and two young children.

He noticed that he was triggered many times as he was being blamed and put down with slight innuendo’s by his father for expressing his own understanding about how he wanted to conduct his life. His parent’s used to have a say in everything that he did from where he lived, to the schools that his daughters went to, to how to manage his finances. Karl was doing his best to not defend himself or his principles. He’s been in his healing process for a number of years and wanted to create and respect his needs and the needs of his parents whilst remaining mindful that things could get out of hand if he were to voice his own opinion different to that of his parents.


And it did get out of hand.

Karl did his best to stay centred and focused on what was caring to him. He knew that his parent’s way of seeing things was not right for him nor did he want to engage in conversations that were controlling and demeaning towards the efforts he was making. And so he left a few days earlier from his parent’s home than what he and his wife had originally planned to.


During our session Karl came to understand that spending more than two days with his family was just too much for him. Although he loves and cares deeply about them, he is no longer willing to sacrifice his inner emotional stability as there’s just no way to get them to listen or even understand him. And, he also knows now that his parents aren’t able to support him or love him for the person he is at his Essence level. They just cannot.

If you were recently in a similar situation to this over the holidays, you may now need to take some extra time for yourself and respect the hurt you felt and allow yourself to move through it with great gentleness and compassion. It may be important for you to allow some time to go by before you can engage and spend time with your family again.

If you are willing, take a few moments now and notice your inner experience. Notice your feelings, the sensations, emotions, images and impulses that are arising in you and gently breathe into them with love and allow them to release.

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